THE DEEP PRACTICE OF EMPATHY
The other day, Natalie and I were walking near a reservoir by our home. We often go on walks and talk about our kids, our hopes for the future, and of course, little Mitch.
At one point, we noticed a tiny puppy scurrying about on his front legs while his back legs dragged lifelessly behind him. My first impulse, aside from shock, was to feel profoundly sorry for this little pup. As we approached to pet him, we noticed some friends of ours who used to live in our neighborhood. It turned out this good family adopted this puppy who had sustained a paralyzing injury when he was just a few months old.
As we were catching up with our friends, I couldn’t help but reach down several times to hold and kiss this little guy. He was so tender, curious, and full of puppy-like energy. In many ways, this little pup reminded me of Mitch: broken and tender, yet happy and full of life.
At one point, Julie, his adopted mother, and former veterinarian said, “Don’t feel sorry for him. He’s happy and doesn’t know any different.”
I was struck by the deep truth and wisdom of her words. Later that night, I thought about what she said over and over and over.
It occurred to me that sometimes we limit empathy to feelings of sorrow for another’s struggle. But empathy is much more than that. It’s about mirroring and experiencing the feelings of others – for better or worse. Empathy is about getting on someone’s level and seeing life through their lens and feeling with their heart.
In the case of this puppy, he was as happy as any furry kid I’ve ever seen. My temptation to feel sorry for him was irrelevant to his circumstance. He was happy and loved by his family, and that’s all that mattered. And because he was happy, I was happy.
Over the years, through Mitchell’s Journey, I’ve worked with many people who struggle with mental health, grief, and wellness. The struggles range from depression, feelings of low self-worth, grief, the loss of faith, processing past trauma, and so much more. My heart goes out to everyone who suffers.
As I’ve observed comments here and other places, I’ve discovered that it isn’t helpful to superimpose what we think or feel to another person’s circumstances – because what we’re experiencing in their moment of struggle is almost always irrelevant to their circumstance. When we see someone struggle, we often hear phrases like, “Don’t be sad. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to see you hurt.” Or “Everything happens for a reason.” Or “They’re in a better place now.” Or “Just don’t give up on your faith.” Each of these clichés is about as useless as they are meaningless. Though often well-meaning, these statements (and others like them) dismiss the suffering of the one who’s injured.
If I’m to help a friend, a neighbor, or a stranger – the deeper practice of empathy requires me to get on their level, see the world through their eyes, and feel what they feel. Then, and only then have I practiced deep empathy. That is the essence and truest form of mourning with those that mourn and comforting those who stand in need of comfort. It is not an easy practice, but it is powerful when we apply it.
Empathy has big ears and a small mouth. It listens more than it speaks. And when it speaks, it says things like, “I’m so sorry. Please know that I care.” Or “That must be difficult.” Or “I can see how that would be hard.” Most importantly, empathy is felt more than it’s heard. It’s not the words we say, but how we say them. It’s not just about listening to words spoken; it’s about hearing what’s not said aloud.
When I think of little Mitch, though he was not strong enough to do things like healthy kids, he, like this puppy, was happy to be alive. Natalie always demonstrated compassionate empathy with Mitch. She helped when he needed it but did not allow pity for what might have been to rob him of what he had. Mitch, like this puppy, enjoyed independence. Perhaps that's what inspired Mitch to say, "Be nice to each other and be glad you're alive. Nothing else matters." He valued kindness and life above all things.
So, as I look to practice deeper empathy, I’ll remember what this little puppy and his parents taught me. I’ll suspend my thoughts and feelings so I can listen and learn, understand and relate; because empathy has less to do with how I feel about someone’s circumstance and more to do with how that person (or puppy) feels about it.